Road to redemption
by Melissa Brooks
Summary: Marty deals with her lingering feelings for Todd and finds out that they are more connected through their past then she originally thought.
1. Chapter 1

Road to redemption

_The following is a fan fiction depicting the characters of Todd Manning and Marty Saybrook from the television show "One Life to Live". I do not own these characters and this work is just for means of entertainment. The following story is told in Marty's point of view. I made some changes to this first chapter._

**Chapter One**

I opened up my apartment door and found that John had come to see me.

"Marty, I just came by to let you know that I want to be with you. Do you think that we can get our relationship back on track?"

"Of course we can. I want things to go back to the way they were." John grabbed my waist and swung me around in a circle, kicking the door shut behind him. "You don't know how happy I am to hear that," John said as he leaned in for a kiss. I put my hand on his shoulder and held him away from my body.

"Maybe we should wait until your divorce is final. I don't need to deal with Blair right now. I've had enough drama and need things to be peaceful right now."

"Marty, Blair's not fighting me on this. She knows that our marriage would never have worked out not while I still have feelings for you. I promise you that she is not going to be a problem. I've delivered the divorce papers and our marriage is all but a signature away from being over. So there's nothing standing in our way."

"You're right, I'm just being overly cautious," I said as I leaned in for a kiss. John leaned closer grabbing my waste as his lips came into contact with mine. His tongue demanded entrance with fervid urgency. I allowed his tongue to enter, wanting to get lost in the moment. I could feel how much he wanted me in his embrace. I took off my shirt as he led me into the bedroom. He lifted me up and laid me down on my bed. He began to kiss my stomach and then moved up to my neck. It was then that I was slammed with memories of Todd. Todd was the last man that I had been with.

Todd grazing my stomach as he yearned for me was all that I could think about. I was no longer in the room with John I was with Todd. I tried to think of something else, anything, to keep the images from coming, but I couldn't. I had never felt so connected with anyone in my entire life. He just knew how to touch and love me in all the right ways. Feelings of love, loss, hate, anger, shame all came to the surface as I remembered how Todd Manning had played me for a fool.

I had been desperately trying to move on with my life since then. I had regained my memory, and was no longer a blank slate but I still felt empty inside. I now knew who everyone was and where they belonged in my life. I wanted things to magically go back to the way things were before I fell in love with the one person I shouldn't have. Todd Manning was a bastard and had hurt me in every way possible. That's what I knew with my head, but my heart knew that he had another side to him. He could be kind, caring, and compassionate to the people that he loved. I had always known that he had a good heart deep down hiding behind his cold and callous exterior.

We had always had a connection that bound us together. It could never be broken. I was drawn to him like a moth to a flame. I had tried to break our connection when I dared him to jump from the palace hotel roof. He told me that he loved me and would do anything to make me happy again. So I asked him to die for me. I didn't really think that he would jump, his great love for me, was only a lie after all. He surprised me by jumping in the icy water and I surprised myself when the relief washed over me as John saved him. That's when I knew that our love, if nothing else, was true.

Todd had told me so many lies over the six months that we had lived together. He never once told me that I had a son and that the child we were planning on raising was our collective grand daughter. Perhaps in time I would be able to forgive him if those were his only indiscretions, but one more lie existed that I can't get past. The whole truth came out and my world shattered around me like the broken pieces of the window that John shattered when he broke into Todd's house. I suppose if John had never shown up I would have never found out the truth. Is it better being happy in a lie or miserable with the truth? I still didn't know and this question haunted me. Part of me feels grateful to John for showing up when he did and part of me resents him for destroying my happiness.

Todd had no other choice but to confess to everything, He told me about my son Cole and how he had planned on using me for revenge in some sick plot against everyone that had wronged him. It hit me hard. It was then that I realized that lies had become my only truth and I no longer had anything that I could hold on to. Todd confessed to a whole litany of crimes that night, the worst one of all, was what he had done to me in college. He led a gang rape against me. He loved nothing and in his hatred he destroyed me. Todd had told me about the rape once before, but never in a million years would I have guessed that he was the mastermind behind the whole thing. How could I get past that kind of history? Did my new found love for him override the anger and the hatred that had been rising in me, at the end of the day which emotion was stronger? John was the man that I should be with; I had developed feelings for him before the accident and I knew that he would never hurt me the way that Todd had.

John reached his hand to my pants and started unbuttoning them and I couldn't take it any longer. I couldn't hold in my feelings anymore. They burst like a dam as I sat up crying. "What's wrong?" John asked

"Todd."

"Manning" John spat out. I felt so much shame that I just wanted to die. Why was I having these memories of Todd right now when I was so close to being happy with John?

"It's just that…that Todd was the last person that I was with. It's not you, I just can't. I'm not ready." I said in between breaths as the tears streamed down my face.

"It's okay. I can wait. Some things are worth waiting for," he said as he slid me on my side and wrapped his arms around my torso. I fell asleep in his arms. I was so exhausted and overwhelmed. When I woke up it was 3:30 in the morning and all traces of John was gone. I looked out my window and realized that the rain was falling and the moon was not to be found. I was once again completely alone. Night collapsed through the shades of the clear windows beyond my balcony. Through the door open of the black patio came the saccharine of roses, of fresh dirt, of sycamore trees. The shadows on my walls portrayed ominous figures and I invented tales about them. I didn't want to fall asleep, because the nightmares were always so much worse in the night.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: **_The following is a fan fiction depicting the characters of Todd Manning and Marty Saybrook from the television show "One Life to Live". I do not own these characters and this work is just for means of entertainment. The following story is told in Marty's point of view._

**Chapter Two**

I awoke the next morning with pangs of regret. John was a great man and I wanted to love him the way that I once had, but my heart was no longer mine to give away. Todd had stolen it and I wanted it back. I needed to banish him from my head for my sanity if nothing else, so I decided that I would take my issues to the source themselves. I don't know what I expected to accomplish but I needed Todd to know just how badly his schemes had hurt me. I had always felt responsible for him and the need to prevent him from hurting anyone else was always present.

I arrived at Todd's place and walked in, I suppose I should have knocked but for some unknown reason his place still felt like my home. I could hear him arguing with Shawn about Tea. I shouldn't have been eavesdropping but I was curious and I wanted to know what Todd had done. I wasn't the biggest fan of Tea Delgado, but even she deserved better than what Todd had to offer.

"Shawn, tell me where Tea went. You work for me not her," I could hear Todd from the entrance way.

"You hired me to protect her from anybody who would hurt her and right now that would be you." Shawn replied. "I do have a letter from her. She wanted me to tell you that you're the biggest mistake that she has ever made and that she regrets the day that she met you."

I found myself sympathizing with Tea. I had felt that same way a million times in regards to Todd, hell, I still felt that way. "For once, I agree with her," I said as I entered the room and made my presence known.

Todd turned around to face me. "What are you doing here?"

"I need a moment with Mr. Manning." I stated to Shawn. Shawn quickly exited the room.

"Can I get you anything?" Todd asked me. I looked into his eyes and his expression was filled with concern, remorse, and sadness. In that moment, I just wanted to put my arms around him and console him. I hated that he still had this effect on me and I could feel the anger rising in me. I wasn't going to let him manipulate me this time. I was determined to stand my ground and not give in to my impulses.

"Can you get me anything, how about my freedom?" I spat out with as much anger and hostility as I could muster and then I shoved him to the ground.

Todd picked himself off the ground and followed me into the living room. "I don't know what you mean? It seems to me that you've been free for quite some time now."

He didn't get it and probably never would, but I needed him to see the effects of his actions. "Physically maybe, but I want you out of my head."

Todd sat down on the couch, the smug look disappearing from his face. "What would you have me do? I simply can't go back and change things. If I could I-"

"I'm not talking about what happened in college. I'm talking about last year. You made me fall in love with you and it seems I can't forget it."

"You're still in love with me?"

Honestly I didn't know how I felt about him. The line between Love and hate had become blurred and my feelings about Todd existed in that blurry mess. I hated his actions and what he was capable of. I hated that he could hurt me so easily. I hated that I felt vulnerable and weak in his presence. Yet I knew he was so much more than his hateful acts. He was capable of so much good if he would just stop the self hatred. I loved how gentle and protective he was towards his kids. He had a vulnerable side to him and I knew that he had been hurt by somebody that claimed to love him just as badly as I had been.

"Well? Are you? Are you in love with me?" Todd repeated his question.

How long had the question sat there between us waiting to be answered. I laughed trying to cover. The last thing I needed was to be pulled back into Todd's orbit. He couldn't know that I was confused about him. I promised myself that I would never let Todd Manning hurt me again and so I tried my best to keep him at bay. "No, I'm not in love with you. Get over yourself; it's just that I am having a hard time trusting myself." I kicked his wall. I was so frustrated and I would give anything to go back to the person I was before my accident. It didn't matter that I had regained my memory the girl that I was then was still lost to me. I couldn't connect to her anymore and the only person that I could connect to was Todd.

Todd walked over to me and grabbed my arm so that I was facing him. I could feel the electricity in his touch. "What do you want me to say? Do you want me to say I'm sorry? It wouldn't be true, not really. Of all the things I'm sorry for, loving you isn't one of them."

"You don't know how to love." I stated as I yanked away from him. "All you know is pain. That's why I wanted you to die. John saved you for me so that I wouldn't have to live with it and now I can't be with him because of you."

"I'm sorry that-"

"Don't bother with your lame ass apologies. I don't even know why I bothered." I said and then headed for the exit.

"Wait Marty, I really am sorry. If I could fix things with you I would. I would do anything to make it up to you and to Tea."

I turned around to face him. "What did you do to Tea?"

"She walked in on me and Blair having sex. I need to find a way to make it up to her. I don't know why I keep messing things up with the people I care about."

"You just can't help yourself can you? You need to see a therapist, maybe they can help you figure out why you do the things you do."

"Well how about you?"

"You want me to treat you? God you are unbelievable. What part of I want you out of my head do you not understand?"

"Yeah I heard every word you said, but maybe if you get inside my head then it will help you to get me out of yours. So what do you say? You up for the challenge?"

I knew that Todd was baiting me. He knew just what buttons to push, but he had a point. I needed to figure out who he really was underneath his façade so that I could finally move on with my life without him. "Fine I'll be your therapist. Our first session will be Monday at ten don't be late." I stated and then I walked out the door.

Later that night I went to Rodi's to surprise John. He was closing and I wanted to spend some time with him.

"Hey beautiful, what are you doing here?" John asked as I walked through the doors.

"I thought that I would surprise you."

"I'm sorry I couldn't stay last night I was called in to work."

"Yeah. I figured that's what happened." I lied. In truth I thought he had bailed because of my issues regarding Todd.

John kissed my forehead. "Thanks for being so understanding. So how was your day?"

"I had an interesting day. I got a new patient that I will be working with."

"Oh yeah. Anyone I know?"

"Let's not talk about work. I just want to feel your arms around me." He pulled me in his arms. I leaned my head against his chest and we began to dance to the music that was playing. I felt so safe and secure in his arms, but even with the security they provided me, I felt like something was missing. The song ended and another one began.

_Heart and Soul_ began to play and once again I was bombarded with memories of my time with Todd. I had taught Todd how to play _Heart and Soul._ It was our song and in a way it fit us. As much as I didn't want to admit it our hearts and souls had always been intertwined. Todd had always understood me even when nobody else did and I suppose the same was true for him.

John leaned into me and pulled me into a passionate kiss, I tried to return it with just as much passion as he was giving me, but I couldn't. I pulled away, I felt like I was being unfaithful to Todd as our song played in the background. I hated having these feelings; there was no logic behind them Todd and I had long since been over and we had both moved on. He didn't love me anymore he had Tea, and I had John. So what was wrong with me? Why couldn't I focus on the here and now with John instead of getting lost in the past with Todd? The questions of what Todd and I could have had if only our past was different haunted me.

"What's wrong?" John asked.

"Nothing, I just have an early day tomorrow. I better get going."

"Did I do something to upset you?"

"No it's not you. I am just trying to work out some things. I'll call you later, I promise." I kissed his cheek and then left.


	3. Chapter 3

_Author's Note: I do not own these characters and this work is just for means of entertainment. The characters are owned by ABC._

**Chapter Three**

Todd walked in to my office and my anticipation and dread melted away as my eyes made contact with his. Even now, his presence had a calming influence on me. "So where do you want me Marty? Do you want me to lie down on the couch?"

"You can do whatever makes you comfortable." I went and sat down on the chair facing the couch as Todd laid his head down. I couldn't clearly see his face so I moved my chair so that I could see him. I knew that he had proven to be a great liar over the years, but his eyes had always told me every truth that I needed to know about him. Todd looked at me quizzically. "The sunlight was bothering me." I lied.

"So what should we talk about?"

"Why don't you tell me why you had sex with Blair when you claim to care about Tea?"

"What? Where did that come from?" Todd stammered. He was clearly getting uncomfortable and I knew that I had found our conversation topic for the day.

"You told me that you slept with Blair before you asked me to be your shrink. It clearly has been bothering you."

"Well why do you think I slept with Blair? You're the shrink you should already know right? So you shouldn't need me to tell you." He smugly stated. He could be such an ass sometimes but I knew his glib remarks were a defense mechanism that he used to regain control.

"You know you really should try to figure out why you act the way you do. It's my job to work with you to figure out your destructive patterns regarding your behavior and come up with solutions on how to fix it. If you're not willing to do the work then we should end this partnership right now."

"Blair seduced me."

"And you had no say in the matter." I sarcastically countered.

Todd nervously laughed as he sat up on the couch and wiped his hands on his suit pants.

"Why do we have to discuss this?"

"Because it hurt you and rightfully so. You could have jeopardized a meaningful relationship with Tea."

"Nothing happened"

"But it could have. I think that you purposefully tried to sabotage your relationship with Tea, by sleeping with Blair."

"Now why would I do that? Tea could be the one for me."

"Because you're afraid of being happy. You don't really believe in the happily ever after fairy tale ending." I knew Todd and the closer he was to happiness the more he fought, the more he pouted and by trying to cling to what he was afraid to lose, he smothered the life out until the only thing left was isolation.

"You're right I don't and to be perfectly honest, I don't know how I can since the last time I came close to it was when I was with you and I ruined it." His eyes were filled with pain, remorse, and shame; it came off of him in waves. I was quickly losing control and I honestly didn't understand why our emotions were so in sync. In that moment his pain became my pain. Perhaps if he could find a way to move on and be happy then I too could be happy with John.

"So you think that your issues with Tea stem with what happened between us that you thought you loved me."

"I do-did love you." He sat there sitting back, his eyes glanced upwards until they found mine, arms folded and in that moment he appeared more innocent then ever and somehow I found myself being pulled back in. The knowledge of what he was in his worst moment contrasting with the hurt boy that lied inside.

"So you must believe that love means hurt." Todd became quiet, I could tell that he was deep in thought because he always had a crease in his forehead when he was contemplating or trying to figure things out.

"I don't know. I know that whenever my father took the belt to me or came after me with his fists he always told me that he was doing it for my own good."

"So you were- you were hurt by somebody that claimed to love you." I said. My voice broke the emotion of our session was beginning to weigh on me.

"Yeah, and I know that I did the same thing to you."

"You don't want to feel that pain again so you put up barriers. Do you love Tea?"

"I don't know. She makes me laugh and I have a fun time with her and she loves me."

"How do you feel about Blair?"

"I'll always care about her. She's the mother of my children and we have a lot of history together."

"You need to decide who you want to be with? You can't leave Tea hanging; it's not fair to her. So whether it's Blair or Tea or-"

"You" Todd interrupted.

"I'm not an option for obvious reasons."

"Right, Well I think our professional hour is up Doctor." Todd got up and started to leave and then he paused.

"You know Marty, I don't want to be in your head and I sincerely hope that you can find a way to move on with John."

"I'll see you on Wednesday."

"I'll be here." Todd left leaving me to my thoughts and the tears finally broke free from the vessel that was restricting them. That's what doctors do they heal patients, but how could I heal him without sacrificing myself to the attempt and why was saving him so important to me.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter four

_AN: I do not own these characters and this work is just for means of entertainment. These Characters are owned by "One Life to Live."_

It had been a week since I last saw Todd. John and I had hung out a few times but our encounters always made me feel bad. I wanted to love John the way that I once had, but I couldn't I was no longer the girl that he knew. We had been arguing a lot lately, he wanted to save me, but he couldn't because he didn't know what was wrong. He begged me to let him in and not to push him away. In all honesty, I wanted the exact same things but how could I tell him that I still had feelings for a man that had violated my trust in every way possible. He deserved better than me, I wanted him to be happy, I wanted us to be connected the way that we once was. Back then it was so much easier for us, we connected over grief. He understood my pain and loss about Patrick because he felt the same way about Caitlyn.

My accident had changed everything. Our connection seemed to be severed beyond repair and now I wondered if it had ever been real in the first place. Perhaps I was desperate to find comfort after Patrick, that I imagined that my love for John was real. I could sense John's frustration growing with every passing day and that in affect just added to my guilt. I was a bad girlfriend and I knew that I would lose John if I kept things the way that they had been. John had been spending more time with his ex Natalie. Her husband had just passed away and he felt like he could help her. Just last night he told me that he wished I was more like Natalie, that she would share her pain, anger, and frustrations with him and that he wished that I could just trust him the way that she obviously did. It wasn't that I didn't trust John, but I was afraid of saying the words out loud. I didn't want to love Todd; I didn't know why I felt burdened to save him. John asked me why I couldn't just let the past go, but he didn't understand and I couldn't explain it because there was no words to describe the level of hatred, love, obsession and need that I had always felt towards him.

"Am I interrupting something? Are you okay?" Todd asked.

How long had he been standing in my door way? "I- I'm fine. I was just deep in thought. I guess. Please come in and have a seat."

Todd walked over to the couch and sat down and I sat in the chair facing him. "So how has your week been?"

"It's been great. I asked Tea to marry me and she agreed."

I dropped the notebook and pen on the ground. If nothing else, Todd was still able to surprise me. I felt angry and jealous and all I could think was that it could have been me. I was being bombarded by memories of the picnic that Todd and I had shared. He had asked me to marry him and we probably would be married now if the truth hadn't of come out. I hated these feelings and I hated Todd for being able to move on with his life when I was stuck in limbo. It wasn't fair that he was able to move on with Tea so fast and that I was hung up on the bastard. "You're getting married to Tea? How? What? When? I don't understand."

Todd laughed. "I caught you off guard. Last week you helped me to realize that I have not been fair to her. Tea loves me and I don't want to lose her so I asked her to be part of my life forever and she agreed. "

"Do you love her?"

"Yeah, I have always loved only four women in my life. I can't have you, and I don't want Blair and so that leaves Tea. I know that she loves me and will be loyal to me and I just-I just can't hurt her anymore. She was this close to walking out on me and in that moment I knew that I couldn't lose her the way that I had lost you."

"Who was the fourth?"

"The fourth what?"

"You said that there were four women that you have been in love with and you mentioned me, Tea and Blair. Who was the fourth? Was it Rebecca?"

"No, I will always be grateful to Rebecca for helping me change my life around but I don't think I ever really loved her. I was referring to an old childhood friend."

"What was her name?"

"She is off limits. I don't want to talk about her; I don't want to think about her. Our relationship ended a long time ago." His eyes had become clouded, with pain, anger, hurt, frustration with the topic of this fourth mysterious love of his. For some reason I needed to find out about their shared past. I felt like she, whoever, she was might be the key to understanding.

"We need to talk about her. She obviously is very important to you. Please trust me enough to confide in me?"

We sat there for a long time in silence. He needed to make the next move. I couldn't force him to accept my help and let me in. He had to do that all on his own.

"I actually had a dream or a memory of her this past week." Todd finally said shattering the impenetrable silence that had been building.

"What was it about?"

"I dreamt about the first time I ever saw her. I was walking through the forest by my childhood home. My dad and I just had one of our famous confrontations and I needed to take off – to disappear. It was dark and I lost track of where I was. I was trying to find my path again when I heard the sweetest voice crying out. It was filled with so much pain and anguish and I knew that I needed to find out where it had come from. I followed her crying to a well. I couldn't see her because it was dark but I sat down and I called down to her and let her know that I was there. She was so scared; I think she thought she was hallucinating. I tried my best to let her know that I was real, I told her that I was going to go get some help and that I would be back. 'Don't leave,' that's what she said. She practically begged me not to leave. She said that she was afraid of the voices of the-"

"Shadows." I said interrupting him. "So you stayed with her all night until it was morning. When it was morning you promised her that you would return and you did with a rope ladder. You threw it down to her and -"

"How did you know that?" He asked, he looked so bewildered and confused. "That's absolutely right. I climbed down and I stayed with her until she had the strength to climb up out of the well, but how did you know all that? I haven't told anybody and the only way you could possibly know that is if you were-"

I knew the rest of the story of that night. I knew that the little boy had stayed out all night talking to her, trying to comfort her. I knew that his presence had soothed the little girls' soul. She had been there for so long. The minutes turned into hours and the hours into days. Sun and moon, sun and moon, days went by. I knew that she had lost all track of time and that she feared the light of the sun more than the dark, because, with the sun came hope. I knew that for the little girl the solitary scream within became a isolated shout. The restricted whisper became her private murmur. I knew that she was scared that the voices of the shadows would come and she would sink further and further into the abyss and that it had been his presence alone that had kept her sane. I knew what she felt because I remembered being her in a dream that I had so many times. I never knew if it was a dream or if it was a memory.

There were missing years from my childhood that I still couldn't recall. I had been in an accident when I was fifteen that had left me scarred and with no memory. The years from when I was seven to when I was fifteen was just gone. I had seen several doctors and then several therapists and they seemed to think that I had retrograde amnesia and that I was blocking out those years because of the pain of my parent's death. I had accepted that explanation, but now I was filled with so many questions. Why did Todd's memory of his childhood friend coincide with my childhood dreams of being stuck in a well? Is it possible that it wasn't a dream at all and that Todd and I knew each other as children. That was the only logical explanation that I could come up with.

"Were you there? Are you my Michelle?" Todd said as he grabbed my hand.

"I don't know. I can't remember much of my childhood but I have dreams of a little boy. He was my angel that saved me from the darkness. He said that his name was "Tom."

"Oh my God. It's true. You're Michelle. I thought that I would never see you again, and it's been you. This whole time it's been you." Todd embraced me and he began to weep. "But how? What? When? I don't understand."

"That makes two of us. I wish I had answers for you, but I don't." I thought that therapy would help me find a way to understand Todd so that I could finally get him out of my head, but instead I was filled with even more questions and the bond that Todd and I shared just got stronger. It was evident that our lives had been even more intertwined than I had originally thought. I felt safe and secure in his arms, but I also felt vulnerable and I promised myself that I would never let him see me this way again. I pushed him away. "I can't-this doesn't change anything. I need to be alone right now. You need to leave."

"But Mich- Marty, we need to talk about-"

"You need to go. I want to be alone. For once please respect me enough to listen to what I want."

Todd's face was filled with guilt, sadness, and despair. "I'll go, but this isn't over. We're not over. I won't lose you. I can't lose you again." Todd walked out of my office.

"He can't be trusted. He will only hurt you." I said over and over again like a mantra, hoping that it would help me keep my distance. I was losing control. I was drowning and I feared that only one who could save me was the only one who had destroyed me.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

_AN: I do not own these characters and this work is just for means of entertainment. These Characters are owned by "One Life to Live."_

The session with Todd had left me emotionally drained, exhausted and confused, so when I got John's voice mail saying that he needed to see me, I felt grateful. I needed to do something, go out, have fun, and get back to my life. I was going to have fun tonight even if I had to force myself too. I could forget about Todd for one evening and focus on my relationship with John. I called John and let him know that I would be at his place in an hour. I rushed home and changed my clothes. I put on my black sweater that John had recently bought me for my birthday and drove to his apartment.

When John opened up the door I leaned in to hug him, but John stepped back. "Okay, what's going on?" I asked concerned about John's sudden apprehension at my presence.

"Come in. We need to talk."

I walked into the apartment and sat down on the couch.

"Marty, it's not working with us. I really care about you, but I think we both know that this is not working."

John's statement hit me like a tornado. "You're breaking up with me? I know that I've pushed you away but I'm trying to get back to what we had. Honestly, I am. What do you want me to do? I'll start confiding in you more," I said in a frenzy. My apprehension was growing with every breath. John was supposed to be my future, my one shot at having a normal life that didn't include Todd or the pain that he brought. I knew that we could get back to what we had.

"Marty, don't cry." John said as he reached his hand to my cheek to wipe away the tears that had fallen. "You're not happy –"

"I know I'm not happy, you're breaking up with me," I said interrupting him.

"That's not what I mean. You haven't been happy for a long time. It's like you're trying too hard to make us fit and we just don't. I'm not what you need; I think that we both know that. It's not your fault; we just don't work any more. I care too much about you to keep up the charade and Natalie and I have been getting closer. "

I stood up and walked away turning my back on John. The rage had taken a hold of me. Everybody had moved on with their life. I no longer had an anchor to hold on to; Cole had Starr and no longer needed me like he once did. Todd wasn't an option and even if he was, he had Tea and John had never gotten over Natalie. "Natalie. That's what this is about. It's not about me. It's about your feelings for Natalie," I spat out.

"I don't want to hurt you, but I can't save you. I'm not what you're looking for and I think that if you are honest with yourself then you'll admit that this is best for everyone involved."

I knew in my heart that everything John was saying about us was right. We hadn't been working out. I was so tired of fighting with him, but I was more afraid of being on my own. I was angry with him because once again I was being abandoned. "This has nothing to do with me. If you were honest with yourself then you'd admit that you've never gotten over Natalie. What was I to you? Was I just somebody to fill the void in you're life until you thought you were ready to commit to her?"

"That's not how it was. You're being irrational."

"Don't tell my how I'm being. Go to hell John," I stated as I began to open the door. John grabbed the frame of the door.

"Don't leave like this," John pleaded.

"Please get out of my way. I know you're right. We've been over for a while, but you- you were my plan," I said as I grabbed his shirt, "and now I have nothing." John started to embrace me in a comforting hug but it didn't comfort me. I needed to get out of there before I said anything else to make things worse.

"I have to go." I grabbed my purse and walked out of John's apartment.

I drove to the nearest liquor store and picked up a bottle of Vodka. I drove to the pier and sat down looking out at the water. My hand was shaking as I picked up the bottle of the poisonous liquid. It had been so long since I had a drink and I knew that alcohol would only make things worse especially with my lupus. I debated throwing away the bottle, but then chose to down the poison of my choice as fast as I could. What the hell did I care, I just needed to forget this horrible night.

I drank in silence when I heard footsteps behind me.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" I heard Todd say.

"I'm having a drink. What does it look like I'm doing?" I retorted.

Todd sat down beside me on the pier, "Marty, what are you trying to do? Kill yourself? This isn't going to help, it's only going to lead to more pain," he said as he reached up and grabbed my wrist in an attempt to stop me from taking another swig.

"Let go of me. What the hell do you care, if I have another drink. You obviously get off on my pain. So why don't you stay and watch my self destruction."

Todd managed to pry the bottle out of my hands and then he let me go. He threw it into the water.

"Hey, what do you think you're doing? That was mine. Fine I'll just go buy me another one." I slurred out as I stood up to leave. I felt the ground moving as I wobbled trying to regain my balance; the blessed drink was already starting to do its job. I sat back down the world was spinning and I was too tired to stand.

"What the hell happed after I left you?"

"John Mcbain happened."

"Mcbain, if he hurt you. I swear to god I'll kill him. What did he do to you?" Todd seethed with anger.

"He broke up with me. I'm not the one he wants. He has Natalie. You have Tea and I well I have this bottle, or I had that bottle before you came along."

"Had Tea," Todd corrected, "I broke off our engagement tonight."

"Why would you do that? You love her and you could have found happiness with her."

"After our session, I realized that I was marrying her for all the wrong reasons. I love her. I always will, but I'm not in love with her. How could I be when I'm still in love with you?"

I felt relief when Todd mentioned his broken engagement; I wasn't the only one who was stuck holding onto the past. Todd and I were in the same place and I was no longer alone. I also felt sadness; I knew that Todd and I couldn't have a future. I didn't trust him. I couldn't trust him and the only thing that we brought one another was pain and heart ache. Tea was able to love him and she had always stood by him when he was at his lowest point. I had nothing to give him. I stood up. "You shouldn't have done that you jackass. You could have found happiness with Tea."

Todd stood up and grabbed my elbow. "I can find happiness with you. I know that we can. I will do anything to prove to you that I've changed."

"Let go of me," I said as I yanked away from him. I lost my balance and ended up going over the side of the pier into the icy cold waters of the Llantana River.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

I woke up in the hospital feeling sore, tired, and nauseous, basically like I had been hit by a truck. I looked around the room trying to remember what happened, I remembered leaving John's place and drinking at the pier, Todd showed up and that's where my memory goes fuzzy and dissolves into nothing. Cole was sleeping in the chair in my room, but he woke up a little after I regained consciousness.

"Mom, you're awake, I 'm going to go get the doctor," Cole said as he got to his feet.

"Wait Cole, do you know how I ended up here?" I asked as Cole was exiting the room.

"I was hoping you could tell me. All I know is that you were drinking and with Todd and somehow you ended up in the pier. The doctor's had to pump your stomach when you were brought in here and Todd had to give you CPR before the paramedics showed up." Cole came and sat down beside my bed and grabbed my hand. "Did Todd do something to make you upset? Why were you drinking and why were you with that son of a bitch in the first place?" Cole asked.

"It wasn't Todd's fault I had been drinking. He found me on the pier and from the sounds of it; it's a good thing that he showed up when he did."

"Why were you drinking mom, you could have died. I've already lost you once, I don't think I could take it if you-"

"I'm fine. I was just upset, John and I broke up and I guess I wasn't handling it well."

"John broke up with you? Why?"

"Don't blame John, we've just been drifting a part for a while now, and it's probably best this way," I said as I smiled hoping to convince him that I was okay and not to worry.

"I'm not buying it mom. You can drop the charade, I know you're hurting, I can see it and John's the cause. I'll talk to John and find out what happened- I'll make things right for you."

"Cole, I don't want John knowing what happened. Promise me that you won't tell him that I'm in the hospital."

"Mom, he needs to know, he cares about you and maybe-"

"Cole, I don't want John knowing. Promise me," I said repeating myself. Cole could be so stubborn some times.

"Okay, I won't tell him, but that doesn't mean he won't find out. I'm going to go get the doctor now," Cole said as he got up to leave once again.

"Cole?"

"Yes mom?"

"Is Todd still here? I need to see him and thank him for being there tonight."

"Yeah, he's still here, but mom, you don't owe him anything."

"I know Cole, but could you tell him that I want to see him anyways."

"Fine," Cole said as he left slamming the door behind me. I could tell that the worry and frustration was getting to him and I felt guilty. I shouldn't have drunk so much. I could have left Cole an orphan and he had already been through enough these last couple of years. Drinking was my escape but I needed to get my act together and figure out a way to deal with my lingering feelings for Todd before it destroyed me and consequentially Cole.

Todd walked into my hospital room and sat down in the chair beside my bed. He looked tired, worried, and frustrated. "I'm glad that you're awake," he said as he fidgeted in his seat.

"Cole told me that you saved my life, so I just wanted to say thanks."

"Stop, don't say that to me. You're life wouldn't have needed saving if you weren't hell bent on trying to get away from me in the first place."

"What happened on the pier?"

"You don't remember? "

"I remember drinking and then you showed up. I think you took the bottle out of my hands and then it goes blank. How did I end up in the water?"

"I told you that Tea and I had broken up and that I wanted to try to make things work with you. I grabbed your arm; you pulled away and ended up falling in the water. I'm the reason that you almost died. I've hurt you enough and no matter how much I love you, I need to stay away from you before I hurt you anymore," Todd said as his voice broke unable to hold the emotion that was fighting for escape.

"Todd, tonight wasn't you're fault. I'm the only one to blame for ending up in that pier. I shouldn't have been drinking. It's just that my life is spiraling out of control and I just wanted one night of escape-"

"Escape from what? From John, because he dumped you for Natalie?" Todd interrupted.

"Honestly, I wanted to escape from these feelings that I have for you. I've been hoping that John could fill the void and that I could get my life back on track, but it was unfair of me to expect things to go back to the way that they were before."

"What kind of feelings? How do you feel about me?" Todd asked as he slowly and cautiously placed his hand over mine.

"I hate you more than I've ever hated anyone else," Todd's eyes lowered as the weight of my words seemed to crush his hopes. I considered just letting Todd believe that all I felt for him was hatred, the last thing that I wanted was to have to rely and trust Todd again, but I didn't see another way, "but I also love you and haven't been able to stop since I found out the truth about our past," I stated hoping that I wouldn't regret being up front with him about my feelings.

Todd looked up and once again he was looking into my eyes. "You still love me?"

"Yeah, lucky me. I'm being torn between my feelings of love and hate for you and I'm drowning and I didn't see a way out, so I drank a lot and ended up in the pier. I need to deal with these feelings before I hurt my son any more than I already have and I need your help."

"How? I would do anything for you."

"Do you still think that it's possible that I'm Michelle from your past?"

"Yeah, I do. I don't see any other possible explanation for how you knew about the first time I met her-you."

"I ned you to help me remember being her. I don't remember much from that time and I need to fill in the pieces. I need to find out what happened to that sweet boy from my dreams. What turned him into that monster I knew in college? I need answers, Todd, and I need your help to get them. Will you consider meeting with another therapist with me and helping me fill in the blanks from our past?"

"Of course. I could never deny you anything."Todd said as he squeezed my hand.

"Thanks, I'll let you know when the first appointment is. I'm tired and I think you should go now."

"Okay," Todd got up to leave and then he turned around at the door, "Marty?"

"Yeah?"

"Take care and I want you to know that I will do everything I can to fix what I broke. Making things right with you is my first priority it always has been. I won't let you down this time," Todd said as he left the room.

"I hope not," I stated to no one in particular since I was once again alone.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

I met Todd outside of Dr. Levin's office. I was feeling anxious and scared and all I wanted to do was hide, but I needed these answers. There was so much about my past that I didn't know and I couldn't continue to ignore my feelings for Todd. He obviously was a big part of my life and I needed to understand why I had always had a hard time letting him go.

"Hey Marty, how are you feeling?" Todd asked as I walked up to him.

"I'm okay, a little nervous, but okay."

"Don't be nervous, I'm here with you and I won't leave you."

"Should we go in?"

"After you."

I knocked on the door of Dr. Levin's office. Dr. Levin opened up the door and invited us in so that we could get started. I explained to Dr. Levin that I had been in a car accident when I was fifteen and that I couldn't remember my child hood since I was seven. I explained how Todd and I had come to the realization that he knew me during that time and that I had gone by the name of Michelle.

"Marty, how do you feel about being hypnotized, to see if we can help you remember more?"

I took a deep breath, as a Psychiatrist, I knew that this was an option, but I hated the idea of being hypnotized. I wanted to remain in control and didn't like the idea of giving up my power, but I knew that I couldn't continue the way that I was. I wasn't getting better, I was only getting worse and I couldn't think of any better alternative to jog my memory. "I'll give it a shot." I whispered.

"Lay down on the couch, and we can get started. I'm going to have Todd stay in the room if that's okay so that once you're under, he can use his memories to hopefully guide you into finding your own. "

"Whatever you think is best." I answered as I laid down on the couch and tried to get comfortable.

"Focus on my finger and only my finger," Dr. Levin explained as he waved his finger back and forth. "I'm going to count backwards from ten, once I hit one you will be at a state of complete relaxation and will only hear the sound of Todd's or my voice.

Dr. Levin counted to one and I felt completely relaxed and then I heard Dr. Levin's voice.

"I want you to go back to the well that you were trapped in. Do you remember being in the well? What do you see?"

I looked around at my surroundings and I was no longer in Dr. Levin's office. I was at the bottom of a long hole in cold damp water and I was afraid. "I see water, darkness, and stone walls. I am cold, scared, and hungry. I don't want to be here anymore.

"Do you know how you got down there?"

"No. It's been too long. I'm so tired, but I'm afraid to fall asleep. It's so dark and the shadows on the wall are getting bigger. I'm afraid of the shadows." I said as I could feel the tears flowing down my cheeks.

"You have to stop, wake her up." I could hear Todd Chiding Dr. Levin and then the walls of the tunnel started to disappear into blackness.

"Mr. Manning, sit down and shut up until I need your help." I heard Dr. Levin say.

"Marty focus on the shadows, why do they scare you?"

"I can hear them whispering. Their telling me to go to sleep that everything will be better when I close my eyes."

"Did you listen to them?"

"No."

"Why?"

" cause if I close my eyes. I'll die and I don't want to die I don't want to disappear the way that my parents disappeared."

"How long have you been down there?"

"I don't know, I'm so tired and the voices are getting louder, wait... I hear another voice. It's a little voice, it's not menacing like the ones of the shadows."

"What is that voice saying?"

"He told me that he could hear me crying and asked if I was okay? I asked him if he was a shadow that was going to take me away where my parents were. He told me that he would be back. I'm scared that he'll leave and never come back. My stomach hurts and I am too tired. I don't know if he's a real boy or a shadow, tricking me, but I beg him to stay with me just the same."

"Why?"

"Because I'm afraid of being alone."

"What happens next?"

"He stayed and he told me about the fight he had with his dad."

"What did he tell you?"

"He told me that his name was Tom and that his dad had a found a vase that he had accidentally knocked over and that he had gotten mean. His dad took off his belt and started whipping him and yelling at him. He told me that he hated when his dad got that way and he waited until his dad fell asleep and then he left and eventually found me."

"How did hearing this make you feel?"

"Like I wasn't alone. I was sad that his father had been so mean to him, but I felt like Tom would understand me."

"Marty was someone mean to you? Did somebody hurt you?"

"I don't know."

"Do you remember what happened next?"

"I was afraid to fall asleep so Tom stayed all night with me, even though his father would be angry with him. He told me he didn't care and that some things were worth getting beaten over. In the morning he told me that he had to leave. I started to cry, but he promised that he would return and that he would help me figure a way out. I had no other choice but to trust him and eventually he returned with a rope ladder. He threw it down to me, but I was too tired and weak to climb it. He came down and helped me climb up."

"Do you remember what happened afterwards?"

"No, everything's disappearing."

"I walked you home. Do you remember that?" I heard Todd say.

"I see a house, but I don't want to go in there. You can't make me go in there."

"Why don't you want to go in there?" Dr. Levin asked.

"He's in there."

"Who's he?"

"I don't know, he keeps changing. Sometimes he's nice, sometimes he's mean. He changes and then he forgets."

"Open the door and tell me what you see?"

"I can't the doors locked. I was having a hard time breathing and I realized that I had been crying and was hyperventilating."

"Okay, we're going to stop. When I count to ten you will feel relaxed and at peace. You will remember everything that happened."

Dr. Levin counted to ten and I was no longer at the house with Tom, I was in Dr. Levin's office with Todd.

"How do you feel?"

"I feel better."

"I want you to come back next week at the same time and we can continue where we left off."

Todd and I walked out of the office. I could tell that the therapy session was weighing on his mind. It probably wasn't easy for him to relive his child hood, and the therapy session left me with even more questions about Todd, but I now knew without a doubt that Todd and I were connected through our past.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter eight

"Hey Marty, do you want to get something to eat? I'm starving." Todd asked as soon as we were in the hospital corridor.

"I don't know if that such a good idea."

"It's just food. Aren't you hungry?"

"You're right, I am hungry. Do you want to go to the Buenos Dias?"

"Yeah. Do you want to take my car?"

"I'll meet you there."

I arrived at the Buenos Dias and saw that Todd had already settled in a booth. "Have you been here long?" I asked as I walked up to Todd.

"No I just got here."

I sat down and began to look at the menu. I was feeling nervous and agitated. Did Todd know that this wasn't a date? It wasn't a date was it? Did I want it to be a date? Hell I didn't even know what it was. I looked at Todd sitting across from me and I could feel the electricity that had always been between us. I hated that I was still attracted to him and would probably always be and I was repulsed that I loved him and I feared that he was the only one who could make me feel alive.

"Are you okay?" Todd asked "You're kind of quiet."

"I'm fine. It's just been a long day."

"Yeah I know."

"Todd?"

"Yeah?"

"What happened between you and Michelle- me?

"What do you mean?"

"You said that you were in love? How did things end between you too, between us? Were we dating? Did we break up? Or was it just a childhood crush?"

"Marty, I'm not sure that we should be discussing this. What if you're not ready to hear this? Maybe we should wait until our next session with Dr. Levin."

I could feel the anger starting to rise. I needed to know the answers to these questions. It was my life too? I needed to be in control over my own damn past. How dare he try to take that away from me.

"You won't help me? You know what; I don't know why I ever thought that this could possibly work. Just forget it. Forget the whole damn thing," I said as I rose from the table and started to leave.

Todd stood up and grabbed my hand before I could get away. "Marty wait, if you really need to know right now then I'll tell you. Please sit down."

I looked into his eyes and he seemed so desperate and lost so I sat back down and so did Todd.

"Michelle and I, now wait, you and I had been friends for a couple of years before our feelings turned into love. To make a long story short, I asked you to run away with me and you agreed. We were going to meet at our special place on the beach. It was secluded, for the most part, anyways it had become very special to us. I showed up to meet you there, but you never came, only-" Todd paused and then stated. "You never showed up, that's the last time I saw you until college."

"There's something else isn't there."

"No, I told you everything you need to know right now."

"Dam Todd. I know you. I know you're leaving something out. What happened?"

Todd let out a sigh in frustration. "Marty, why do you want to know this? It will only hurt you and confuse you. I don't have the answers you need."

"Will you please let me decide what it is that I need to know about our past? You said that you would help me. You said that you wouldn't let me down again? Please tell me."

Todd reached his hand to my face to wipe away my tears. "Okay, when I got to the beach, like I said, you weren't there, but the white sand had been stained with blood in the exact same spot I asked you to meet me. I hoped it was just a coincidence. I didn't want to believe that you were hurt, but then my dad showed up and he told me that he had found out about my plan to leave and that I had forced him to take matters into his own hands. I asked him how and that son of a bitch told me that he stabbed you and that I would never see you again." Todd said.

I started to move my hand to his face so that I could wipe away his tears, but then I stopped mid way. I wanted to comfort him and let him know that it would work out between us, but I couldn't promise him that. I still couldn't forgive him and I still hated him. I dropped my hand and after minutes of silence. I looked at him. "Thanks for telling me."


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter nine.

I was so glad to be home. I was so tired and exhausted. I laid down on my bed hoping to get lost in the soft comfort that my feather blankets provided, but I couldn't get comfortable. My mind kept racing over the events of the day. I kept thinking about the therapy session and the things that I had learned about my relationship with Todd. It was clear to me that Todd had blamed himself for what his father had supposedly done to Michelle-me. I wondered if Peter Manning had really stabbed me or if he was just messing with his son. Either scenario was a possibility with Peter. I couldn't help but think about how differently Todd's and my life would have been if we had ran away together when we were kids.

I closed my eyes and eventually I drifted off to sleep. I had strange dreams, maybe memories, flashes of a possible reality in another lifetime that I had shared with Tom. I could see a much younger version of myself standing by a little boy. He was the same boy from my memories, I was with Tom. "It's okay Michelle. There's nothing to be afraid of," Tom said as I tried the door.

It was no longer locked but I was afraid to go in by myself. "Are you coming?" I asked hoping that the fear and isolation would disappear if he was by my side. He grabbed my hand and we walked into the house together.

There was a long hallway with several shut doors on both sides. I tried each door but they were all locked. I was frustrated and I felt trapped. I didn't want to go in, but I felt as if I couldn't leave until I had explored the rooms. I sat down against the wall.

"What's wrong?" Tom asked as he came up to me.

"They're all locked. This is a waste of our time."

"Not necessarily."

"What do you mean?"

"Try this," Tom said as he pulled a chain up over his head. At the end of the chain was a key.

I grabbed the key and tried the door that was closest to me but it didn't work. I tried several more doors and was about to give up when I turned the key on one more door and it opened.

"Lets go in." Tom said as he grabbed my hand. We walked into the now open room. I saw a little girl who couldn't be any older than five or six and she was sitting on the couch. There was an older man who was sitting next to her.

"They can't see us. We are just here to observe," Tom stated to me.

"Observe what?"

"Your memories of course."

"Is that little girl me?"

"Of course. Now be quiet so we can listen."

"Why am I here?" I heard the little girl ask.

"Because you were too much of a burden for somebody like your aunt Kiki. I don't want you to worry about her. She didn't deserve you and I promise that I will take very good care of you," the man explained.

"Why? Did you know my parents?"

"I knew you mother very well. Now listen to me this is very important. You know how to make believe right?"

"Yes."

"While you're staying with me, I need you to pretend that your name is Michelle and that you're my niece."

"Why?"

"Because if anyone ever finds out what your real name is they will take you away and place you in an orphanage. You'll be all alone and there will be no one there to love you."

"I don't want to be all alone."

"Okay then you'll have to agree to be my Michelle and no one can ever know your real name."

"Okay. I won't say anything. I promise."

"Okay, grab your bags and I'll show you where your new room is."

The little girl grabbed the packed bags that were in the corner of the room and walked out of the room holding the man's hand.

I felt sickened and frustrated. It was obvious that the little girl had been manipulated into agreeing to lie about her identity.

"Come on let's go there's nothing left to see here." Tom said as he grabbed my hand. Todd and I left the room and shut the door behind us.

When the door shut behind us I woke up sweating. I felt panicked, nervous and scared. More than anything I felt complete isolation as I realized that Tom was no longer with me and that he had disappeared along with my dream or memory or whatever the hell it was. I picked up the phone and began to dial.

Todd answered the phone and I told him that I needed to see him as soon as he could get to my place.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter Ten

I answered the door and saw that Todd had come like I had asked. "Come on in, thanks for coming," I said as I opened the door.

"Are you okay, you sounded upset on the phone?"

"I'm okay, I had a bad dream, memory and I thought that you might be able to clear some things up for me."

"What was the dream about?" Todd asked as he sat on the couch.

I went and sat down next to him. "Todd, can I ask you a question?"

"You can ask me anything?"

"When you knew me as Michelle, did I ever introduce you to my family, the people I was staying with?"

"I met your uncle on one occasion, and your cousins. At least that's who you told me they were. You told me that your parents had died and that your uncle had custody over you. Marty, what was your dream about?" Todd asked as he grabbed my hand and squeezed it for reassurance.

I had a dream or possibly a memory of a man telling me that I was going to be living with him. He told me that he was a friend of my mothers, but that I should tell everyone else that he was my uncle otherwise they would ship me off to an orphanage."

"Bastard," Todd swore under his breath. "How old do you think you were?"

"I don't know, I was young, maybe five or six years old."

"Do you remember anything else?"

"No, but I'm certain it was a memory."

"How do you know?"

"I don't, it's just the way it felt, like I had been in that room before with that man. What did you think of him?"

"I didn't like him or trust him. He didn't approve of our relationship and I was positive that he had hurt you."

"How?"

"You never confirmed anything, but there were several times that we would meet up and you were covered in bruises. You always offered some lame excuse when I questioned you, but I suspected that he was behind it. That was part of the reason I wanted to run away with you, I would have done anything to get you away from him.

"And my supposed cousins, what were they like?"

"I don't remember them that much," Todd said.

I got the impression that he was holding back on me, I was going to press for more information when we were interrupted by a knock on the door.

I answered the door and was startled to see John standing there.

"What are you doing here? It's late." I said trying to compose myself.

"I think the more important question is what do you think that you are doing with Manning?" John asked as he scowled at Todd.

"Excuse me; I seem to remember you breaking up with me. So what I do and who I do it with is no longer your concern."

"I still care about what happens to you and your letting Todd take advantage of you doesn't sit well with me. I think that you should leave Manning."

"I'll leave when and only when Marty asks me to," Todd retorted.

"Todd you probably should leave, John and I need to get a few things straight."

"Are you sure?" Todd asked concerned.

"Yeah."

"I'll call you tomorrow."

"Okay."

Todd walked out the door and then I turned around and glared at John feeling the anger rise to the surface. "How dare you come into my room and think that you can dictate what I do with my life?"

"Marty I'm just concerned. Cole called me and…"

"Cole called you?"

"Yeah. He saw you and Manning having dinner at the Buenos Dias. I know all about your recent hospital visit and how you feel like you should be grateful to him for saving your life."

"I explicitly told Cole not to tell you," I said seething with anger. Cole had promised me that he would not involve John. I was furious and I felt betrayed. I couldn't believe that he went behind my back and told the one person I wanted to stay out of it.

"The kid's just worried about you. So are you dating Manning now?"

"What do you think?"

"I don't know what to think. I thought you were smarter than this, but apparently not. You're letting Manning manipulate you."

"He's not manipulating me; I know what I'm doing. He's helping me."

"More like helping himself into your pants."

I slapped John. "Get out. Go be with Natalie, she's the one that needs you. I don't want or need your help."

"I'll go, but answer me this. Do you really think that you can trust him? You never know, the next time you make him angry, he might just rape you again, pimp you to the neighbors just for sport."

"He wouldn't hurt me like that?"

"Oh yeah. He's already done it once. What makes you think that he won't do it again? He hasn't changed so do me a favor and open your eyes to the truth before it's too late." John walked to the door and then turned around, "Call Cole, he's worried about you, and from what I can tell he should be."

My hands were shaking as the adrenaline rush was hitting me. John's words were echoing, they were all I could hear. I was still so angry with him, but he had been right. Todd had hurt me before and as much as I didn't want it to be there, he still was capable of causing harm. He had intentionally tried to destroy me years ago and I had fought so hard to recover from the pain that he had caused. Could I really go through that again if Todd hadn't changed? Could I ever really trust him again?

I was terrified of what the dark side of Todd had to offer, but I couldn't walk away. Not now, not while I still had all these questions. There was too much that was left unanswered both about me and about Todd.

I wanted a drink. No, I needed a drink. I felt my mouth watering as I fantasized about the empty warm feeling that would replace this dark void in me. I tried to think of Cole and how I had almost died because of the last time I wanted to escape reality. I wouldn't, I couldn't do that again, but I couldn't trust myself. I decided to play it safe so I got in my car and I drove. I drove for about an hour and then I found an AA meeting in a town where I knew that no one would know or care who I was. It was a place that I could just be free to exist without any of the judgment that Llanview offered.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter Eleven

I sat through the meeting listening to everyone's stories about their issues with alcohol and I thought how courageous these people were to face their demons head on. The speaker got up and asked if anyone else would like to share before they adjourned the group. I decided that I needed to vent and I may as well here with people who had similar demons as my own.

I got up and went to the front of the group. "My name's…Michelle," for some reason I felt uncomfortable giving out my real name and the name that man had given me all those years ago seemed to fit like an old glove. "I have lupus and I have been warned to stay away from hard liquor, and I know that every time I pick up the bottle that I am playing a dangerous game that will most likely end up killing me. Even though I know that, I don't care, for some reason, I cling to the bottle whenever I want to escape my life. A few weeks ago, I broke up with my boyfriend and I drove to the nearest liquor store and grabbed a bottle of vodka. I took my poison down to a river and drank so much that I almost drowned when I fell in. I swore to my son that I wouldn't drink any more, but tonight I came close, it took every thing that I had in me to decide to come here instead. I just want to know how I ended so screwed up that I could be so masochistic and want all the wrong things for my life. Anyways, I just wanted to say that I think you guys are all courageous to face your demons and I wanted to say thanks for listening to me," I finished and then I sat back down in the back.

I got in my car and started heading back to Llanview. I thought about my argument with John and my growing dependency on Todd. It seemed to me that I had just replaced my need with alcohol with a need for Todd. I knew that my chances of getting burned with Todd were just about as good as my chances of getting sick by drinking. Sooner or later, I always ended up hurt after one of my infamous drinking binges and I knew that sooner or later that I would hurt Todd, or he would hurt me even worse. That was our destructive pattern, the game that we had been playing for years with each other. I ended up driving to Todd's place. I wanted to trust him, but I needed some reassurance, something, I needed to hear that this time would be different.

I knocked on Todd's door.

"Marty, are you okay? What are you doing here?" Todd asked.

It was clear that I had woken Todd up. "I'm sorry, you were sleeping. I should go, we can talk tomorrow." I said realizing that it was really early in the morning.

"No that's okay. You're here now. Come on in," Todd said as he held the door open for me. "It looks like you've been crying. What did John say to you?"

"He said that I was a fool to trust you and that sooner or later I would make you angry and you would hurt me."

"I could never hurt you again, not after everything that we've been through," Todd said trying to reassure me.

"What if you can't help yourself? What happens if I make you really angry then what? Are you going to rape me again? Find somebody else to? I can't let you hurt me like that again."

"God Marty, is that what you think? I would kill myself first before I ever let myself lose control like that again. It will never happen again, but if you can't trust in me then you should go and get as far away from me as possible. Do you really think that I could hurt you like that again?" Todd said as he clenched his hands in a fist. I couldn't tell if he was angry with me or desperate to make me see his point.

"No, but I didn't think that you would go there in the first place and I was wrong. I'm not saying this to hurt you; I just have to let you know how I feel. I can't be hurt by you again. I won't survive it. As far as me staying away from you that's not an option. We've tried that before, it simply doesn't work. Somehow we always end up in each other's lives again."

"What do you want me to say? What do you need from me? I don't want you to be afraid that one day I'll lose control again, because I swear to you that I won't. I have gotten plenty angry with you over the recent years and I haven't hurt you, at least not intentionally."

"I want you to get help. I want you to see your own therapist and I want you to take anger management classes. I just want more assurance from you that our past will not repeat itself. I need more control and right now I just don't have it."

"Are you scared of me?"

"I'm scared of my feelings for you. I'm falling so in love with you. I'm losing myself in you and the more I remember about my childhood with you the more I want to depend on you. I just need you to have patience and to help me trust you the way that I once did."

"I hate therapy, but I'll go for you. If my going to classes gives you more assurance and control in our relationship then I will do it for you," Todd said as he wiped the tears from my face.

I grabbed his hand as he was lowering it, "Thanks, I know that this wasn't easy for you to hear."

"No, but I'm glad it happened. I'm glad that you were honest about your fears. I don't want you to be afraid of me, so I need you to promise me that you'll always be honest with me and I will do everything that I possibly can to remove your doubts and fears.

I leaned in and gave him a hug, "I'm tired, would you mind if I crashed here for the night?"

"No, this is your home, it's always been your home and I would love it if you stayed for the rest of the night."

Todd grabbed my hand and we walked up the stairs to my old bedroom. I laid down in my old bed and it was as if I had never left. I felt so safe and loved in this moment and I wanted the feeling to last forever. "Todd, would you stay with me tonight? I just want to feel safe in your arms. I just don't want to be alone."

"Yeah, I'll stay, but if you get uncomfortable let me know, and I'll leave."

"Okay, deal."

Todd climbed into bed beside me and wrapped his arms around me. I laid my head on his chest and I could hear his heart beating.

"Marty?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you and things will be different this time."

"I love you too."

I listened to his heart beat and closed my eyes. Things would be different this time. I had to believe that change was possible for me and for Todd. I eventually was lulled to sleep by the rhythmic beating of his heart.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter Twelve

I woke up feeling better than I had in weeks, I realized that the last time that I had slept completely through the night was the last time that I had slept in this room over a year and a half ago. I looked around, but I didn't see Todd and I wondered where he was.

I stretched my arms and began to get out of bed when Todd came in through the door carrying a tray with pancakes, bacon, eggs and toast on it. "What's that?" I asked

"It's breakfast in bed, of course, how did you sleep?"

"I slept well, how about you?"

"It was a good night." He said as he handed me a plate and then he slid into the bed beside me. "Do you have to go to work today?" he asked.

"No I took a couple of days off, why?"

"That's good, I wouldn't want your work to interfere with the plans I have for today."

"What plans?"

"It's a surprise, now be quiet and eat your breakfast. My driver will be here in fifteen minutes and I don't want you to leave hungry."

"What do you have planned Mr. Manning?"

"You'll see. Eat up," he said as he put his toast in my mouth to keep me quiet.

We ate breakfast together and then Eddie, Todd's chauffer showed up. "What are you going to be doing today?" I asked.

"I have to go to the office for a little bit, but I will see you later," Todd said as he leaned down and gave me a kiss on my cheek, "have a good day."

I got in the limo and Eddie drove me to the Llanview country club where it didn't take me long to figure out that Todd had booked me for a massage, manicure, and a facial. I felt so pampered; this was just the thing that I needed. I had been so stressed lately that it was good to take time just for me. I fell asleep while the masseuse went to work untwisting the knots that had been building in my upper back. After my massage I went in for my facial and manicure. I was gathering up my things to get ready to leave when the receptionist came in carrying a box. "This is for you," she said. I opened up the box and there was a red dress inside with a tiny note with "wear me tonight" written on it. I smiled as I pulled the dress out of the box. I felt like Cinderella getting all dressed up for a fancy ball.

Eddie drove me to the Llanview Airport, where Todd was waiting outside the terminal. My curiosity was piqued. Was he planning a trip? Eddie got out of the limo and opened up my door for me. Todd came and grabbed my hand to help me out of the car. "You look amazing," Todd said as he looked me up and down.

"Thanks to you."

"No, you always look amazing."

"You didn't need to go to so much trouble."

Todd smiled, "for you, it's no trouble at all."

"Why are we here?" I asked my curiosity getting the best of me.

"We're going to take a little flight," Todd said.

I put my hand into his and we walked to his private plane and boarded it.

Once we were up in the air I turned to Todd, "now can you tell me where we are going?"

"Has anyone ever told you that you are impatient?"

"Don't change the subject."

"We're going to New York."

When we got to New York Todd took me to "The Village Tratorria." They had the best Italian food. It was exquisite. Afterwards we went to the Ambassador Theatre and watched "Chicago." During intermission I looked over at Todd, his eyes were lit up, he genuinely seemed happy. I squeezed his hand, "In case I didn't mention it, I've had a great time today. You spoil me."

"Your smile has made it all worth it. Besides, I'm just finally treating you the way that you deserve." The lights were dimming and I knew that the show was about to start again.

After the show we headed back to Llanview and back to Todd's house. "Did you have fun?" Todd asked as he opened up the front door.

"It was a great night. I wouldn't change a thing except…"

"Except what?" Todd asked as a concerned look appeared on his face.

"You never danced with me."

Todd laughed. "I can fix that," he said as he turned on some music. Todd put his hands on my waist as I put my arms around his neck and we slow danced. We were moving closer and closer together. Todd leaned his head in and we were so close to kissing, but I pulled away at the last minute as I could feel the memories and feelings of Spring Fling pressing down on me. The music ended and I pulled away, "I better get going, it's getting late," I said as I headed for the door.

"Don't go. I need you; will you sleep with me tonight?"Todd asked.

Todd's voice sounded so vulnerable, and a part of me wanted to be with Todd, to make love to him, but I couldn't. I wasn't ready and I didn't know if I ever would be. Would I ever be able to get close to him without the hurt, anger, pain and frustration being present as well? I didn't want to hurt Todd, but he needed to know that I wasn't ready to be intimate with him. "I can't sleep with you Todd, I love you, but I can't love you in that way."

Todd looked at me quizzically for a moment as if he didn't know what I was talking about, then he stepped back, cleared his throat as if he could clear the tension that had been building with that gesture. "I know that you're not ready to make love. I just want to be with you like we were last tonight. Just sleep. I promise."

"What if I'm never ready?"

"I don't care about that. I just want to spend time with you and to love you in whatever way you let me," Todd said as he cautiously reached for my hand.

"I'm sorry. I just…"

"Don't apologize to me, Marty, don't ever apologize to me, if your not comfortable here then you should go. I'm the one that should apologize for making assumptions, it's just that last night was so great, I don't want to lose that."

"I want to spend the night in your arms, like last night."

"Are you sure? You wouldn't be uncomfortable."

"If I am, you'll be the first to know it."

Todd and I went upstairs, he gave me a t-shirt and some of his sweats to borrow for the night. I grabbed the clothes and headed to the bathroom to change. When I came out, Todd was laying in the bed. I climbed in and got comfortable with all of the negative feelings and unwanted memories dissipating. It was the strangest thing that I would feel comfortable lying in bed next to him, but it felt natural to me, like an old routine that I was settling back into. Todd wrapped his arms around me and it wasn't long before I had fallen asleep.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter Thirteen

I woke up and Todd wasn't beside me. I could hear his voice from downstairs. He sounded angry. My curiosity got the best of me and I headed down the stairs. When I got to the stairs, I could hear Cole. I hurried down the stairs, I knew that Cole and Todd both had nasty tempers and I wanted to get there before it became physical.

"Where is my mom Manning? I know she's here," I heard Cole ask.

I opened up the door to the living room, "I'm right here, so quit your yelling, and use your manners that I raised you with. Now calmly tell me why you are here?"

"Why are you here? Have you lost your god-damned mind? Did you spend the night here with him?"

"Treat your mother with respect," Todd spewed out as he shot Cole a venemous look.

Cole laughed manically, "you're kidding me right? Are you seriously going to give me lectures about respecting my mother, the same girl you gang-raped?"

"Cole that's enough, I did not raise you to be disrespectful."

"I'm sorry mom, but I'm worried about you. You've become a complete stranger to me. The mother that I knew wouldn't choose to stay here with this bastard. I want you to come home with me."

"I can't leave with you."

"Why not?"

"Cole you are my child not the other way around. You don't get to make choices for me. I'm here because I want to be here. Not that I owe you any explanations, but I'm here because I love him."

"You love him? After everything he's done to you? Can you honestly tell me that you forgive him for raping you?"

"Cole, my history with Todd and whether or not I can forgive him is between Todd and me and it has nothing to do with you."

Cole turned to Todd, "this isn't over Manning, if you think I'm just going to stand by while you hurt my mom again, you got another thing coming," he said as he began to walk away, "I almost forgot to say goodbye," Cole spat out as he went to punch Todd in the face.

I got between them, hoping to stop Cole before he did anything that he would later regret. I was a second too late as Cole's fist came in contact with my face.

"Mom, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you," Cole said apologetically.

Todd grabbed Cole by the collar and slammed him against the wall. I panicked as I saw Todd place his hands around my son's throat and begin to squeeze.

"Todd, let him go, it was an accident, I'm fine," I said.

Todd didn't acknowledge me; it was as if he couldn't hear me.

I grabbed Todd's arm and tried to pry it loose, after a couple of seconds he looked at me, and then he let go.

"Cole, are you okay?" I asked.

"No, that son of a bitch tried to kill me. Come on mom, I'll drive you home," Cole pleaded with me.

"Cole, I'm staying for now. Todd and I have a few things that we need to work out," I said as I looked over at Todd who had wandered across the room to get a drink.

"Are you kidding, you're going to stay here after what he just did to me?"

"Cole, I want you to leave and I'll call you later."

"Don't bother; I want nothing to do with you as long as you stay here. You're dead to me," Cole said and then he headed for the door.

"Cole, my love for you is unconditional. Don't walk out-"

"If you loved me you wouldn't choose him over me," Cole said interrupting me.

"I'm not; you're the one who's making the choice."

"Call me when you leave him, until then I want nothing to do with you," Cole said and then he left slamming the door behind him.

I turned around and faced Todd. I was so angry with him; he was so close to killing my son and throwing all the progress that we had made out the window.

Todd turned away from me; which only made me angrier. "Turn around and look at me," I said.

Todd slowly turned around. "What do you want me to say, there's nothing I can say," Todd whispered.

"Cole was out of line today, but so were you. You could have killed Cole, don't you think you've hurt me enough?"

"Cole hurt you."

"So did you. I need you to understand something, when you hurt Cole you hurt me."

"I know."

"Then why couldn't you have just walked away. What happened to you today? I asked you to stop but you didn't listen. Could you even hear me?" I asked trying to understand Todd's actions.

"No, I couldn't hear you, I couldn't hear anything. All I knew was that he had hurt you and deserved to die, like I deserved to die for hurting you. I just wanted to make him pay. I couldn't see anything else, and then when you grabbed my arm, it was as if you pulled me back from the brink of insanity and I was able to control the anger that had taken over me. I know that you're angry and you have every right to be but please don't give up on me. I'm going to get help, for you, only for you," he said as he wiped my tears from my face.

"I'm not going to abandon you Todd, but if you ever lay a hand on my son again I'll kill you," I said. I took a deep breath trying to calm down. I hated confrontations; my hands were still shaking from all the excitement. "There's an anger management class that is being held at the hospital tonight. I want you to go to it."

"I wanted to go with you to your session with Dr. Levin. I want to be there for you." Todd said.

"I can handle therapy by myself and I think that your time will be better spent getting your own therapy. You obviously need it."

"Okay I'll go. Will you meet with me tonight after our sessions for dinner?"

I didn't know if it was a good idea, I debated whether or not I should try and put distance between me and Todd.

"Please," Todd pleaded when I didn't respond.

I couldn't walk away from him. He had some kind of power over me and I didn't know why I had never been able to get him out of my system. "Okay, I'll meet you at the palace tonight. I'll call you when I'm done with my session. I'm going to go home. It's been a long day and I have a lot to think about," I said and then walked out.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter Fourteen

I walked into the hospital room where Dr. Levin was waiting for me. He shook his head in disapproval as I walked in. I was a half hour late, I should have called and canceled, but I knew deep down that I needed help. My problems weren't getting any easier, they were getting worse. I hated therapy and had a hard time trusting other therapists. I wanted to leave and never come back but I couldn't hypnotize myself so I had no other choice but to deal with Dr. Levin's smug attitude and disappointment about my tardiness.

"How was your week?" He asked as he peered down at me.

"Fine."

"The bruise on your face says otherwise. You want to tell me about it?"

"It was an accident; I got caught in the middle of a fight between Todd and my son."

"How do you feel about that?"

"I'd rather not talk about it. It doesn't really matter how I feel about it, my feelings won't change anything. Just hypnotize me, that's why I'm here isn't it to uncover my missing memories."

"There's no need to be defensive Marty, I was just making small talk, but we can proceed with the hypnotization if that makes you more comfortable."

"It does. Thank you," I said as I lied down on the couch.

I followed his finger back and forth, back and forth, getting lost in the hypnotic trance. The next thing I knew I was no longer in the office but in the well from my dreams.

"Marty, what do you see?" I could hear Dr. Levin ask.

"I'm in the well. I see water all around me, there's no way out. I'm trapped."

"Marty I want you to leave the well and go back further into your memory. Where did you start that day? Are you at home?"

The cold damp walls disappeared and I was standing in a little girls' bedroom. "I'm laying in bed," I answered Dr. Levin's question as I gazed at the little girl.

"How do you feel?"

"Bored. I was sick but I feel better. He still won't let me go to school. He thinks that the other kids are going to infect me."

"Who won't let you go to school?"

"Michael. He thinks I'm all he has and he's afraid of losing me," I answered as my memories and feelings of that day came flooding back to me.

"Is Michael in the room with you?"

"No, he left for work. Linda, the nanny is here to keep an eye on me, but I have other plans that don't include her."

"What did you do, Marty?"

"I locked her in my closet?"

"Why?"

"I wanted to explore the attic. Michael keeps the door locked, but I know where he keeps the key so I'm going to unlock it?"

"Marty, did you unlock the attic door?"

"Yeah."

"What did you find up there?"

"I found pictures of my mother and Michael and a letter that my mother had written him."

"What did the letter say?"

"I don't remember. I can't see it now. Everything is disappearing," I lied. I could see the letter clearly. My mother hated Michael. He had raped her and it appeared that I was the product of that horrible disgusting night. I felt sick and the last thing that I wanted to do was spend another twenty minutes discussing my feelings.

"Try and stay in the room, Marty." Dr Levin ordered as he tried to gain back control of the situation.

"I can't," I said fighting to maintain my power over the situation. I knew that if Dr. Levin kept pushing while I was under this state, I could slip and tell him everything that I remembered. I needed his help to access my memories, but I was the only person that I trusted with my sanity. I couldn't tell him the truth, I wouldn't. I didn't want anyone to know that I was a product of rape, not even my therapist.

"What do you see?"

"Darkness," I said as I began to breathe heavily. I faked a panic attack so that Dr. Levin would bring me out of the subconscious state that I was in.

"I'm going to count backwards from ten to one. When I get to one you will feel completely relaxed, but you will remember everything."

I opened my eyes and knew instantly that something was wrong. Michael was in the room with Dr. Levin and me. I was hallucinating, I had opened Pandora's Box and I brought the monster back with me. I told Dr. Levin exactly what I knew he wanted to hear so that I could leave before he realized that I was hallucinating. Michael followed me home, he didn't say anything, but I knew he was there and his presence made my skin crawl.

My phone rang, it was Todd. He probably wanted to meet up with me for dinner, but I couldn't go, not in the state that I was in. I was a good liar, but I couldn't lie to Todd, he was the one person who always saw through my crap. He knew me and he would know that something was wrong. I turned off my phone and turned to face Michael who was smugly sitting on my couch.

"You're not real," I said in a feeble attempt to make him disappear.

"That's true, but I'm real to you otherwise why would you be speaking to me?"

"Leave me alone."

"I can't do that."

"Why not."

"Because it's time that you faced the truth, you can't hide from me, not anymore."

"What do you want from me?"

"I want you to face your demons," he said as he stood up and walked over to me. He pulled me over to the window, "What do you see?"

At first all I could see was the red roses in my backyard, but then they faded and all I could see was me as a little girl. I was back in the attic grasping the letter that my mother had written. I could see me leaving the attic and heading back down the stairs where I let Linda out of the closet. I sat down on my bed and waited for Michael to come home so that I could confront him.

It played like a bad movie I wanted to turn off, but I couldn't, I felt frozen in place and couldn't take my eyes away from the window. The next thing I saw was Michael entering the bedroom and Linda leaving.

"Is it true?" I asked as he came and sat down by me.

"Is what true?

"Are you my father?" I asked as I handed him my mother's letter.

"Where did you get that?"

"I went up to the attic and I found it."

"You knew that I didn't want you to play up there. You disobeyed me," Michael said defensively as he got off my bed and began to pace around the room.

"I know. I was curious and wanted to see what you kept in that room. I was wrong, but so were you. You lied to me. You told me that you and my mother were friends, but she didn't like you."

"The relationship I had with your mother is complicated and it's hard to explain."

"What's rape? She said that you raped her, what is that?" I asked wanting to know why she didn't like him. I didn't know what rape was, I was so young back then, but I certainly knew what it was now and I knew exactly how much my father had hurt my mother.

He turned around to face me, his eyes filled with rage, "it's complicated; you're too young to understand. You ruined everything, I told you not to go up there," he said as he grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me.

"Michael, you're hurting me," I said as I began to cry.

"I'll give you something to cry about," Michael said as he let go of my shoulders and slapped me across the face. I cowered to the ground, as the rage in Michael's eyes turned into regret, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have hit you, I can't be here anymore." I saw Michael leaving my bedroom and then the scenery faded and I was left looking at the flowers in my backyard.

"You got what you wanted. I remembered now leave me alone," I said as I turned back around to face Michael.

"There's much more to remember and you know that. Otherwise, I still wouldn't be here."

"If you won't leave then I will," I said as I grabbed my purse and slammed the door behind me.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter Fifteen

I drove around for an hour; I didn't know what to do or where to go. Michael was still with me. He sat in the passenger seat of my car looking smug. He didn't say anything but he wouldn't go away either. I ended up at Rodi's and debated going in. My instincts told me to keep driving; the last thing that I needed was alcohol.

"Go in. You know you want to," Michael said to me.

"I shouldn't. I won't mess up my sobriety over you. I'm going to leave."

"If that were true you would have left by now. You're too much like me to stay sober for long besides I've conditioned you to think that alcohol solves all your problems. Do you remember the first time you had a drink with me? You were ten. You didn't want to, but I didn't give you much of a choice."

_I walked into the living room and there were several empty shot glasses sitting on the coffee table. Michael was passed out on the couch so I closed the living room doors and began to head to my room. "Michelle, come here please," I heard Michael calling. I cringed as I realized that I must have woken Michael up when I closed the door. I walked back into the living room. "Have you ever drank alcohol before?"_

"_I'm ten, so no, I haven't," I retorted. I hated when Michael drank, he would almost always become mean and sadistic. _

"_Don't be smart with me."_

"_Sorry."_

"_Pull up a seat. I hate drinking alone."_

"_No thanks, I'm going to go up to my room."_

"_I wasn't asking. Now pull up a seat."_

_I went and sat down next to Michael. Michael went and grabbed a handkerchief out of his desk. "So here's what we're going to do. I'm going to pour 10 different drinks in the shot glasses and you get to tell me what type of drink it is based off of smell. If you can't figure it out based on the smell then you drink it. If you still can't figure it out then I'll tell you what type of drink it is."_

"_What's the handkerchief for?"_

"_It will be more fun if you can't see anything."_

_Michael tied the handkerchief over my eyes. _

"_What kind of drink is this? I'll even make it easier and tell you what types of drinks I have. The shot glass will contain Vodka, Jack Daniels, Beer, Yeager, Wine, Champagne, Margarita, tequila, Bloddy Mary, and Rum." Michael placed the tiny cup in my hands. _

_I didn't smell anything and even if I did I wouldn't have a clue what kind of drink it was. This whole game was pointless, but I learned that there was no use in arguing with Michael when he got this way. "I don't know."_

_I felt Michael's hand come in contact with my face as he slapped me. "Take a drink," Michael ordered._

_I lifted the shot glass and took a swig. It tasted awful and I still didn't know what kind of drink it was so I braced myself because I knew that he would hit me again. _

"_What kind of drink is it?"Michael asked again._

"_I don't know."_

_Michael pushed me out of the chair and I landed on the hard floor. I felt a pain in my ribs as his foot came in contact with my side. "That drink was Vodka," Michael whispered in my ear as he pulled me to my feet again and helped me sit back down on the chair. _

_The game continued for three more shot glasses, but when Michael hit me again, I didn't feel a thing. I felt warm inside, like I was on top on the world, and there was nothing that Michael could do to tear me down. _

"_The game's over, I don't want you to drink too much on your first time. I don't want you to get alcohol poisoning." Michael untied the handkerchief and I could see once again. He went over to his safe and pulled out his gun and handed it to me._

"_What's this for?"_

"_Actions have consequences; I just spent the last hour and a half beating the shit out of you. Now I have to pay. I want you to point that gun at me and pull the trigger."_

_Michael was insane. Part of me wanted to pull the trigger because then I knew that the pain would stop for both of us. I hated him and wanted him dead, but I loved him more and couldn't pull the trigger. "You're insane. I'm not going to kill you," I said as I placed the gun on the coffee table and left the room. _

"Yeah I remember our little drinking games and you're right. I figured out that drinking stopped the pain. I found that it was easier to take the beatings if I was drunk. When I was in college I used to make money by betting people that I could tell them what they had to drink. I was always right, but I didn't know why I knew the distinct smell that each alcoholic drink had. Now I know it's because you conditioned me to know. How long did we play those games?"

"For years, you were terrible at the beginning but after months, you became quite the opponent. I had to work really hard to stump you."

"I'm done talking to you. I want you to leave me alone," I said as I slammed my car door shut and walked into Rodi's.

I ordered a bottle of Vodka and drank until the familiar feeling of numbness had settled in and I no longer cared that my life was falling apart.

When Rodi's closed I called a cab, I was much too drunk to drive and I wouldn't punish anyone else for my inability to stay Sober. It was around two a.m. when I arrived at my house, all I wanted to do was to crawl into bed and never wake up again, but I found Todd sitting on my porch.

"What are you doing here?" I asked as soon as I saw him.

"Waiting for you, I was worried. We had plans, and you never called. I must have left you a dozen messages, but I guess that you were too busy getting drunk to let me know that you were still alive," Todd said bluntly.

"I don't want to have this conversation right now, go home," I said in an attempt to get rid of him. I didn't want him to see me this way, I felt powerless and weak and he knew me too well not to believe any lie that I could come up with.

"That's too bad because I want to have this conversation. You promised Cole that you weren't going to drink any more so what the hell happened?"

"Do you want to tell him or should I?" Michael said.

"Go away," I whispered to Michael.

"I'm not going anywhere until we have this out," Todd said.

"I had a rotten day so I needed a drink to take the edge off. First my son practically disowned me and then you came within an inch of killing him."

"Something else happened. What happened at therapy? You're in so much pain I can see it in your eyes. Please talk to me."

"I can't talk to you because I don't trust you. I was a fool to think that we could have any kind of relationship after what you did to me. You've done nothing but take advantage of me and use me to make yourself feel better. Leave or I'll call the police and they'll remove you," I said as I unlocked my door and stepped inside.

"Don't do this, whatever you're going through let me in," Todd said as he reached for my hand.

I flinched away, "don't touch me. I want nothing to do with you. I hate you." I said as I slammed the door in his face.

I sank to the floor hating myself for breaking his heart, but I had to do it. I wouldn't drag him into hell with me. We were poison for one another and I had to let him go so that we could both be free of the curse that our past brought.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

A week had passed by since I told Todd I hated him. Michael was still with me, he refused to leave me alone and there was nothing that I could do to get rid of him. I took a personal leave from the hospital. I couldn't treat patients in my current condition. I was no good to anybody. Todd had left several messages on my voicemail but I avoided his calls. I felt defeated; I couldn't see a way out of the misery.

Every day Michael helped me to remember something from my past but each memory was worse then the one before and I didn't know how much more of this I could take. I realized that I blocked these memories out for a reason and I would do anything to return to my blissful naïve state, but I couldn't. I could no longer bury the memories, there was no escape from Michael or the memories he brought with him. I sat down at the table with my breakfast shot of vodka. I was drinking all the time now; the drinks helped dull the pain, but they didn't take it away; nothing could. Michael came and sat down by me.

"It's time you remembered what happened to your sister Megan. I killed her because she got in my way. She died protecting you from me. It was Saturday July 3rd; you were thirteen years old. Do you remember that day?" Michael asked.

Michael's voice carried me to a different time and a different place. _I saw myself sitting on the couch with my little sister Megan when I heard Michael's car come screeching into our driveway. He parked on the grass and I knew instantly that Michael was drunk and would be in an ugly mood. _

"_Megan, do you want to go play hiding go seek in the basement?" I asked. I didn't want Megan to see him this way. I didn't want him to hurt her so I had gotten in the habit of playing this game with her so that she would be safe and hidden from his wrath. _

"_Sure, that sounds like a good idea," Megan responded. Megan and I went down to the basement. _

"_I'll count first. You go and hide," I said to Megan._

"_Nope, I always hide first. I won't play unless I can count first," Megan said as she eyed the door. _

_I was running out of time. Michael was probably already in the house, looking for us. I decided that I would let Megan count and I would hide in an easy place; a place that she was sure to find me. _

_Megan began to count to ten while I hid in the hope chest in the corner of the room. Megan was on eight when I heard the basement door open and shut. The stairs creaked and then I heard Michael. _

"_Megan, what are you doing? Where's Michelle?" Michael asked. _

"_I'm playing hide and seek with Luke. I don't know where Michelle is? I haven't seen her." Megan lied. _

_I thought about getting out of the hope chest but then Michael would know that Megan had lied to him so I stayed put hoping that he would believe her and leave. _

"_You're lying to me. Luke called me and asked me if he could stay at Seth's house for dinner. So I'm going to ask this one more time. Megan where is Michelle?" Michael asked. _

_I peeked through the hole in the opening and saw Michael waving his gun around like a lunatic. _

"_I'm right here, Michael. Leave Megan alone, she didn't do anything," I said as I opened up the hope chest and got out. _

"_There you are. I've been looking everywhere for you. Tomorrow it's Independence Day, so I thought it would be a fitting time of year to give us our freedom from this cursed life. You and I are cursed individuals. I'm cursed because of who I am deep down inside. I've tried to change, but I can't. There's no salvation for me. You're cursed because of the way you were conceived. I passed my hatred and anger onto you. I'm going to be merciful and end your life now before you become anything like me."_

"_What are you talking about? You can't kill her dad. Just put down the gun," Megan pleaded with him._

_I stared into his eyes, they were cold, hard and unfeeling and I knew that Megan's pleas would not help me. He wasn't going to change his mind and I would die._

"_Megan, it's no use. Go upstairs and lock yourself in the bathroom. Call the police and wait for them to come."_

_Megan didn't move. "I'm not leaving you with him."_

"_Fine with me, you can stay here and watch as I kill Michelle and myself," Michael said as he pointed the gun at me. _

_Michael didn't pull the trigger. He just stood there pointing the gun at me. Michael's eyes had changed. Before I had only seen coldness and hatred, but now there seemed to be a sadness and uncertainty. _

"_I can't do it. I can't kill you," Michael finally said as he begun to lower the gun but it had been too late. Megan had already jumped on his back to try and get the gun out of his hand. Michael was older and tougher and Megan was not match for him by herself so I leaped at Michael. _

_Megan had fallen on the ground in the struggle. I had my hand on the gun and I tried to take it out of Michael's hand when it went off. Michael dropped the gun and went upstairs._

_I went over to Megan and cradled her into my arms. I placed my hand over her wound to try to keep the blood from coming out, but it was no use, it was everywhere. "Michael's getting help," I whispered to Megan. I was certain that Michael had gone upstairs to call the police. _

_Minutes passed by and Michael still hadn't come back. I knew that I had to get to a phone and call for help. "I'll be right back. I'm just going to go grab the phone," I said to Megan._

"_Don't leave me. I don't want to be alone. It hurts so bad," Megan said._

"_I know it hurts. That's why I have to go and get you some help," I said as I lowered Megan to the ground and headed up the stairs. _

_I grabbed the phone and dialed 911 as I headed back down the stairs. I told the operator that there had been a shooting and that we needed medical assistance. Megan's eyes were shut and she was cold. I felt for a pulse but there was nothing and I knew that it was too late and that Megan had died all alone._

"You shot Megan and just left her there to die," I said coldly to Michael.

"So did you. You left her all alone. She begged you not to leave but you left anyways."

"Yeah, to get help. What's your excuse?"

"I have no excuse for what I did to her, but the point that I'm trying to make is that you feel guilty about your part in her death. You've blocked it out all these years because you couldn't deal with your guilt. You could have told somebody that I was hurting you. You could have told somebody that I was sick, but you kept silent because you wanted to protect me and because of that Megan is dead."

"You're right. It's all my fault," I said. I grabbed my lupus medication and dumped the remainder of the pills in my hand.

"What are you doing?" Michael asked.

"Getting rid of you." I shoved the nine remaining pills in my mouth and took one last final swig of Vodka and waited for the peace that death would finally bring me.


	17. Chapter 17

Road to Redemption 17

I woke up in the hospital and instantly I saw Michael smiling smugly at me.

"It appears that your little suicide attempt didn't work. Face it you're stuck with me."

"Get the hell out of here," I said.

"I'm not going anywhere Marty, not until you tell me what's going on with you?" I heard Todd say.

I looked towards the direction of his voice and saw that he had just entered the room.

"I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to him." I said pointing in Michael's direction. Nothing else had worked. I couldn't get rid of Michael; maybe coming clean with Todd could get him to leave.

"Marty, there's nobody there. We're the only two people in this room. Do you know how scared I am right now? If I hadn't have broken down your door you could have died."

"You should have let me die Todd; I would have been better off and so would you."

"How can you say that? You are everything that makes my life worth living. You make me want to be a better man, without you there's nothing but darkness," Todd said as a tear slipped down his cheek.

"You don't get it Todd. I have to die. Michael will never leave me alone."

"Michael? Who's Michael?"

"Tell him Marty, tell him who I am. Once he hears how insane you really are he'll leave you in some asylum," Michael taunted.

"Michael's my father. He's not real. I know that, but I see and hear him just the same and I'll never be free of him," I said as my own tears began to slide down my face.

Todd wiped my tears with his hand. "How long have you been hallucinating?" Todd asked.

"Do you remember the day you strangled Cole because he accidentally hit me?" I asked.

"Of course I remember that day."

"Later that night I had a therapy session with Doctor Levin. I remembered something about my father, but I lied to Doctor Levin because I didn't want him to know who my father was, who I was. When Doctor Levin brought me out of my hypnosis, I realized that I had brought Michael, a demon straight from hell, with me."

"But that was three months ago? You've been hallucinating for three months and I didn't see it?" Todd asked.

I knew that he was blaming himself, but it wasn't his fault I was sick. I was the one who lied to everyone. "You didn't see it because I didn't let you see it. I pushed you away remember?"

"Yeah, but I should have done something. I knew deep down that something was terribly wrong with you, but I was afraid of pushing you too far. I thought that if I gave you space that you would figure things out and come back to me."

"I'm sorry; I didn't mean what I said. I don't hate you."

"I know. It's okay. Do you want to tell me what you remembered?"

"When I was a child I found out that my dad raped my mom. That's how I was conceived. When Michael found out that I knew who he was he threw me in the hole that you found me in."

I felt relieved that the truth was coming out. Michael had disappeared now and I was beginning to have hope that I could get through this with Todd's help.

Todd was quiet as he digested the information that I had given him. He was clenching his fists so tight that I thought he would start bleeding.

"Marty-"

"Get the fuck away from my mom you sick bastard," Cole said, interrupting Todd as he walked in the room.

I looked over at him and he had two guards with him.

"Cole, it's okay. I want him here," I said trying to diffuse the situation.

"Sorry mom, but you don't get a say anymore."

"What do you mean?" I asked Cole.

"As of this afternoon, I have power of attorney. You tried to kill yourself. You're sick and I'm going to have you committed to ST. Anne's."

"How could you do that to your mother? Don't you know that taking away her power to decide for herself is the worst thing that you could to her," Todd shouted as he got in Cole's face.

The guards grabbed him by his arm. "You would know. First you rape my mother and then you mind fuck her until she tries to kill herself." Cole said as he shot daggers in Todd's direction. "Throw this disgusting piece of trash out of my mom's room," Cole said to the guards, "oh and by the way Todd, I got a restraining order out against you, if you come anywhere near my mom I'll make sure that you end up behind bars so fast you won't even know what hit you."

"Cole, don't do this. I need him. I love him," I pleaded with him. I could feel my salvation slipping away as Todd was dragged out of my room and Michael reappeared.

Cole tried to explain his actions to me but I didn't want to hear him so I tuned him out. Cole had taken away the one person that had given me a moment of peace in months and months of hell.

A few hours later they set me up in my room at ST. Anne's. I sat in the rocking chair and shut down my mind. Since Cole had betrayed me, I had no other option left. As a therapist I had learned that a mind can only take so much loss and so much trauma before it shuts down to protect itself. I retreated so far into my own mind that I knew Michael would never find me. The room went dark and the room became silent as my reflexes shut completely down and I became unresponsive to the world around me.


	18. Chapter 18

Road to Redemption 18

I could hear somebody familiar calling my name. There was something about the urgency in the voice that made me want to fight to come out of the black prison that my mind had become. I didn't know how long it had been since my mind had shut down and I wasn't even sure if it was possible to respond at this point. The only thing that I was sure of was that for the first time in a long time I wanted to fight.

I managed to open my eyes and I saw Todd staring into them with an expression of gratitude on his face. "Thank god, I knew that you would fight to come back to me," Todd said as he grabbed my hand.

I looked around and realized that I wasn't at ST. Anne's any longer. I was on a lounge chair on a balcony that overlooked the ocean. The fresh air felt so good on my face. "Where am I?" I chocked out.

"We are in a beach house in the virgin islands. I broke you out of ST. Ann's and brought you here where you can recover.

"Do you own this place?" I asked. If Todd had broken me out it was only a matter of time before John and Cole found me here. I was certain that they would search all of Todd's property until they found me.

"It belongs to an old friend of mine and don't worry Marty, nobody will come looking for you here," Todd reassured me.

How are you feeling?" Todd asked me.

"Tired, but good."

"Do you see Michael?"

I looked around but there wasn't any sign of him. "No," I answered.

"Good," Todd stated as he breathed a sigh of relief.

"Todd, can I ask you something?"

"You can ask me anything," Todd stated.

"Everything that I remember about my childhood has been bad. I was just wondering if you had any good memories from when we were kids?"

"Most of my childhood sucked but you were my saving grace and I like to think that I was yours. I wanted to bring you here to the beach, because it was our favorite place to go as kids, especially you. Your eyes used to light up every time we went to the beach. You always felt so free there, we even exchanged our vows on the Llanview beach," Todd explained.

As Todd spoke the memories began to hit me. I remembered meeting him at the beach. I was fourteen at the time.

_I was wearing my prettiest white dress and I had brought my parents wedding rings. They were the only thing that I had left of my parents._

"Hi Todd," I said.

"Hey Michelle, you look gorgeous."

"Thanks, you look good too," I said. It was the first time that I had seen Todd wearing a suit and I felt all flushed with desire.

We stood on the beach next to the Llanview lake. I grabbed both of Todd's hands and looked into his eyes. "Thomas Todd Manning, you're my best friend, my soul mate, my salvation. If you hadn't have come into my life I would have died in that well. I want to give you my father's ring as a symbol of my love and devotion. I swear to you that I am your girl today, tomorrow, and for the rest of our lives. I know that this isn't legal and we're too young to get married, but this is a promise ring and as soon as we're eighteen we'll make it legal." I said as I slipped my father's ring on his finger.

"Michelle, I never knew what love was until I found you. You are my everything and I promise that I will always protect you. You are my heart and my soul, my everything. I want you to wear this ring as a symbol of my love and devotion and I promise to love you the rest of my life," Todd said as he slipped my mother's ring on my finger.

"I remember," I stated. "I loved you so much and I felt so much love from you."

"I'm sorry that I didn't keep my vows. I promised to protect you, but I didn't I hurt you and I let the others hurt you as well, but I never stopped loving you and I promise that I will do anything to make up for all the pain that I caused," Todd stated as he leaned in and kissed me.

I didn't think it was possible for me to love him any more than I already had, but remembering the vows that we had shared made me love him so much more. "Will you just hold me in your arms while I sleep?" I asked as our kiss ended.

"Of course, let's go inside and we can take a nap," Todd stated. He picked me up in his arms and carried me into a bedroom. He gently laid me down on the bed and climbed in beside me. I felt so safe as he wrapped me in his arms and it wasn't long before I fell asleep.


	19. Chapter 19

Road to Redemption 19

When I woke up Todd wasn't with me, but I could hear him talking to somebody else. I listened for the tone of his voice to see if I should hide. When he didn't sound angry, annoyed or stressed I figured that it was safe to leave the bedroom.

I walked out into the living room and saw him talking to Ray. He had been Todd's therapist while he had been serving his sentence in prison.

"Hey Marty, it's been a long time," Ray stated as he locked eyes with me.

The last time that I saw Ray, we had argued about Todd. He wanted me to drop my vendetta against him and get over his early release from prison. At the time, I was convinced that Todd would never change. I was certain that he would hurt me or somebody else, but I had been wrong about him.

"What are you doing here?" I asked skeptically. Although I was grateful that he had helped Todd turn his life around I wasn't certain that he would help me. We had never gotten along and I was afraid that he was here to take me back to ST. Ann's.

"This is my house and I'm here to help you recover, Marty. I'm not going to take you back to ST Ann's and I promise that I won't say anything to anybody about you being my house guest until you are ready."

"Why would you help me?" I was still suspicious of therapists in general and I knew that he could get in trouble for keeping me here.

"I'm helping you as a favor to Todd and to you. I've always liked and respected you despite our arguments in thd past. If I'm going to be able to help...you will need to trust me and tell me everything. I know that you're a therapist and you lied to Doctor Levin about your hallucinations because you thought that you didn't need his help. You thought that you could treat yourself, but you were wrong. I will help you, but only if you let me. Are you willing to trust me and let me help you?"

"You can trust him Marty. He's the only therapist that I've ever trusted besides you."

"If Todd trusts you then so can I."

I spent the next couple of hours telling him everything that I remembered about my childhood and hallucinations of Michael. Some of it was very painful to recount, but Todd gave me the courage to go on. I told him about Megan's death and how I had realized that my father was beyond redemption at that point.

"Marty, are you willing to let me place you under hypnosis?"

"Yes, can Todd stay?"

"Of course he can, but Todd, I need complete silence, so please do not react to anything that she remembers until she is through."

"I can do that," Todd stated.

Ray counted backwards from ten and eventually I had fallen into a deep state of relaxation.

"I want you to go back to the day that Megan died. What happened next? Did Michael come back?"

"Not at first. Luke came downstairs and I told him that Michael had shot her. Luke wanted me to run away with him so we packed a bag and was headed out the door when Michael showed up with a police officer."

"What happened next?" Ray asked.

"Michael told the police officer that Megan and I had been playing with his gun when he showed up. He told the officer that he had tried to get the gun away from me, when it accidentally went off. "

"What did you do?"

"I called Michael a liar. I told him that he was the one who shot Megan."

"Did the cop believe you?"

"I think that he did, but it didn't matter. He wouldn't listen to me, because Michael had paid him off."

"How do you know that?"

"I saw Michael hand him a briefcase. The cop opened it and it had cash and some papers in it."

"I see...what happened after the cop left. Did they take you to Juvenile Detention?"

"No, Michael took me to the psych ward at the hospital he worked at. They placed a syringe in my arm and placed me in a stray jacket and locked me in a padded room. "

"How long were you there for?"

"Months, Michael wouldn't let me leave until I had confessed to killing Megan. Every day he told me that I had killed her and the drugs confused me. I just wanted to go home, and part of me wondered if I had killed her. Michael had told me that I was blaming him as a way of dealing with my own guilt. I knew that Luke needed me and nobody was going to believe me so I lied and told him what he wanted to hear. I told him that I accidentally shot my sister. I told him she was dead because of me. It was partially true...she died saving my life. I'm the reason that she's dead and I couldn't even give her the justice that she deserved," I said as I broke down in tears.

"Okay, I think that's all for today," Ray stated. He slowly brought me out of my hypnosis and I opened my eyes."

I looked at Todd who was pissed. He was pacing the floor as he muttered obscenities under his breath. "It's okay Todd. It's over with," I stated as I made eye contact with him.

He rushed to my side and took me in his arms. "Megan's death is not your fault. It's that sick bastard Michaels. You didn't do anything wrong."

"Yes I did, I didn't say anything. Michael had been hurting me for years but I never told anybody. I thought that I could save him. He wanted me to save him. I tried...I failed and Megan is dead," I said in between hysterical sobs.

"Todd's right. You were a child, Michael was the adult. He was supposed to take care of you and he betrayed you. He made you think that it was your job to change him into a better person, but you couldn't because the only way somebody can change is if they change themselves. Not only that, but he hurt you under the guise of being your therapist, he placed you in a hospital while he tortured and brainwashed you. No wonder you don't trust other therapists. I'm going to go. I think that we made great progress today. I'll be back tomorrow and we can further discuss this." Ray stated as he got up to leave.


End file.
